The War on Christmas took an unexpected turn Saturday in what is sure to be considered a nightmare scenario for Biblical Literalists. Strong winds passed through the Washington D.C. area Saturday that toppled the National Christmas Tree and cut power to nearly 2,000 people in the area. No reindeer were injured, though the whereabouts of Santa remain uncertain. Nor is it known whether this means that Santa will cancel his much-anticipated visit to the U.S. later this year.
While budget cuts have apparently hampered American efforts to take down its Christmas decorations, the wind was probably all God acting in shear, hilarious irony. His motives are highly uncertain regarding which specific commonly scapegoated group had done the sinning this time. Some have speculated that the tree’s destruction was due to one of those more broad-based attacks on moral society by the secular world. The timing is highly unexpected considering the Tea Party activity taking place in the U.S. House of Representatives just blocks away from the X-mas tree. There, the Tea Party is working to end abortion and to return the definition of “rape” to that of Biblical times.
Even though God works in strange ways, this may be the most confusingly ironic event for Fundamentalists since his sparing a nearby porn shop while destroying a beloved graven image of himself with lightning near Cincinnati in 2010.
For the record, neither Santa nor God could be reached for an interview during the preparation of this article.